Linda Sarnelli: Once deeply closeted, now proudly out as a woman

(The author is a local transgender advocate and sits on the Lansing Pride Board of Directors.)

My story is a long one — 60+ years. I had a desire to wear dresses at age 6. This was 1960, when women wore dresses and men wore ties and jackets, what we now call “gender expression.” I think I imprinted on this type of expression, and it has stuck with me, though I do wear pants sometimes! What happened between putting on a dress at 6 and having my name and gender changed a few months ago? Clearly, a lot.

For a very long time, I was a deeply closeted (that’s where the dresses were!) crossdresser. Back then we were called transvestites, but that word always sounded exotic and scary to me. Putting on a dress predates my ability to understand why I did it, so I guess you can say that I am “essentially transgender.” I have never really put much effort into understanding it and have never felt guilty about it. Did I feel embarrassed about it? Very much so — if you grew up a boy in Brooklyn (NYC) in the 1960s, especially a small, delicate boy, you understand the deeply rooted fear of being labeled a sissy. I did sports, cursed like a sailor and acted tough to compensate. I also ran away from bullies, and it was a struggle to learn how not to cry.  It was definitely an act, except for the running away. I also sought female companionship, which I found. My secret remained so through many years of a happy and long-lasting marriage.

After parenting our kids to fly on their own and getting tenure as a scientist/professor at MSU, I had more time and space to experiment. The internet was a powerful influence — look at what they’re doing! Going out as a woman started in my 50s, which was a turning point. Like the Titanic, though, I was very slow to turn. What was I thinking when I was out as a woman? Pretty simple: I like this, it fits me and people react positively to me. Was I a woman inside? It seemed so, but I don’t think I know myself as well as I should. In any case, I have been told that gender is a social construct: it only really matters in social contexts. At home by myself, my gender is of no consequence. The people I interact with reinforce my gender identity. Does that sound needy? Perhaps it is. Perhaps I am. I don’t pretend to speak for any other transgender person.

Why did it take so long? Several reasons: I am slow to change (inertial personality), changing gender is scary and complicated, and then there is the awkwardness of being someone completely different to existing friends and family, no matter how supportive they are. If you come out as gay, you are still you, only your orientation changes. If you transition to the opposite gender, you become a very different person, or at least I did. Yes, I am still funny and analytical and I still watch sports sometimes, but everything else is different.

Being out as a woman, meeting people and making friends has solidified my identity. I use the ladies’ room and never get misgendered by friends. I am happier, more outgoing and more compassionate than I used to be. I have never had this many friends. I love to dance! Is it the hormones? I don’t think so. I think it stems from having close cis-female friends and learning from them. The joy of being a woman comes from these relationships. I am now a joiner — Suits and the City, Lansing Pride, The Rotary Club, The Red Cross; in part because I want to do something useful in my retirement, but more because I want to meet people, know people. The people in this area are the friendliest I have encountered (having lived many places) and I have been welcomed everywhere.

So what about my current status? I just recently became legally female in the great state of Michigan (Thank you, Gov. Whitmer!). Sadly, that is no longer allowed by the federales. In fact, the current administration is working hard to erase transgender people altogether, despite the irrefutable fact that we have always existed. Reasonable people can argue about who gets to participate in women’s sports, or whether a child can make an informed decision about their gender, but if you are a lover of freedom then why take this one away from adults? We just want to be treated fairly and equally. Is that so much to ask? And let’s stop building gender-segregated bathrooms! Who invented that dopey idea?