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Wednesday, May 12,2010

Needy Gonzales Truth Theorem

by Amy Alkon
This guy takes the “Dear Occupant” approach to love: Instead of “It had to be you,” it had to be somebody, and you’re standing right there and have yet to call the cops on him. He claims to love you, but you really have to know somebody to love them.
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Wednesday, May 5,2010

Bodhi call & Flat attire

by Amy Alkon
Forget the old “anything worth having is worth waiting for.” You’re a woman in a hurry. Anything worth having is worth cornering like a trapped animal. Unfortunately, guythink doesn’t work on that timetable. Yeah, he might be sensitive, spiritual, and chatty with trees, but he’s still a guy.
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Wednesday, April 28,2010

Better pluck next time How to pick up gorillas

by Amy Alkon
Oh, what a terrible thing, promoting “American standards of beauty.” Footbinding? Clitoridectomy? Naw, plucking tiny hairs above a woman’s lip. Quick! Somebody start an international human rights organization! (Maybe something spelling out the acronym MORONIC.
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Wednesday, April 21,2010

About the thighs of it & Life is a gurney

by Amy Alkon
Ignore your friends and family, who won’t be the ones sleeping with your girlfriend (well, presumably). It’s anything but shallow to make sure a woman has the looks you need to be hot for her.
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Wednesday, April 14,2010

The Dawg Whisperer & fuzz kill

by Amy Alkon
Martha Stewart taps into hers, and like a onewoman swarm of rickracking, sponge-painting locusts, transforms everything in her path. Other women start by perking up flowerpots and end tables and move on to unsuitable men.
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Wednesday, April 7,2010

Curtain maul & men of haircolor

by Amy Alkon
Well, definitely start wearing pants fitted with those spikes they use to keep pigeons off liquor store signs, or at least sew golf cleats to the front of your jeans. Or, if this sounds like a lot of bother, you could just consider yourself mildly lucky, and leave it at that.
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Wednesday, March 31,2010

Hope against nope Boeing, boeing, gone

by Amy Alkon
I’ve been seeing this guy for over two years. Although we spend lots of time together, we don’t have a committed relationship. We’ve been off and on throughout this entire two-year “complexship,” as I call it. Normally, we’re fine until I start asking about us being more to each other.
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Wednesday, March 24,2010

Moment of "poof!" likes it soggy-style

by Amy Alkon
But, it seemed like the perfect date! Well, maybe his idea of perfection is romancing the hell out of a woman, getting her into bed, and getting outta Dodge. Or maybe, he decided to never see you again, but figured he’d see you naked first.
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Wednesday, March 17,2010

Over my dead bodypaint

by Amy Alkon
He’s actually demanding that the bride rebook the church, the caterer, the florist, and the hall, and tell hundreds of her guests to change their plans.
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Wednesday, March 10,2010

Things that go plump in the night grime and punishment

by Amy Alkon
Because I give advice for the real world, I told this woman the truth: Male sexuality is highly visual, and male lust usually has a weight limit. At a certain point, “more of me to love” becomes “way too much of me to lust after.
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