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Wednesday, February 23,2011

Advice Goddess

Ingrate Expectations and Say Cheesy

by Amy Alkon
Q: I fear my husband has some disability in regard to apologizing. Monday was his birthday. I had a terrible cold, but put myself on enough meds to cook him a wonderful meal and dessert. I felt too sick for sex, so I offered up a, um, very personal massage, but he refused. Later, when I asked for a hug as we got into bed, he said, “I don’t think so.” The next day, he was grumpy and distant. When I finally called him on it, he said he was sexually frustrated (despite the fact that we usually have sex three times a week). The following day, he acted like everything was normal, but I still wanted an apology. I said, “It’d be nice if you’d give me a hug and say, ‘I really appreciate everything you did and I’m sorry for being grumpy.’” He got mad and stormed out, which is typical. The closest he ever comes to apologizing is angrily blurting out that he’s sorry.—Still Waiting
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Wednesday, February 16,2011

Advice Goddess

Menopause in the Heterosexuality

by Amy Alkon
Q: I’m a 56-year-old married woman, and as far as I can tell, I’ve been happily heterosexual all my life — until recently. For the past year, I’ve been thinking about a woman until I can no longer think about anything else. I have such powerful and authentic sexual feelings that I feel compelled to reveal myself to her, but I think she’d probably knock me out.
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Wednesday, February 9,2011

Advice Goddess

Queasy credit & Queer and present danger

by Amy Alkon
Unfortunately, one man’s el-cheapo ski jacket is one woman’s quilted nylon warning sign. The way you see it, it’s not like you did a P. Diddy and splurged on some one-of-a-kind parka they had to kill 20 ostriches and a baby seal to make.
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Wednesday, February 2,2011

Advice Goddess

Speed hating & Blocked swan

by Amy Alkon
Your problem isn’t who you date but who you are: a girl who needs love way too much to be in a position to land any. You can really, really want love, and be really, really sick of putting a bowtie on your cat and pretending you’re on a date.
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Wednesday, January 26,2011

Advice Goddess

You make loving fund & One surprise fits all

by Amy Alkon
Four months into wedded bills, uh, bliss, you’re walking around muttering, “Aren’t a husband and wife supposed to support each other?” Well, yes, unless they start their marriage by making other arrangements. Absurdly, you agreed to the family values financial plan -- the husband takes care of all the expenses.
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Wednesday, January 19,2011

Advice Goddess

Triumph of the Willy

by Amy Alkon
Q: When you gave advice to the woman complaining about her husband surfing the Internet for porn and swimsuit photos of Serena Williams,you seemed to have missed a word in her question. That word is “husband.” I doubt people get married with it being okay for another man or woman to be involved in their marriage. Pornography causes great harm to marriages. It’s not okay. It’s not normal. It’s a selfish and destructive choice.—Appalled Wife
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Wednesday, January 12,2011

Advice Goddess

Extremely old spice & Getting to null her better

by Amy Alkon
Where you went wrong is in not shutting the guy down right away. You don’t make a date with a guy to tell him you don’t want to date him. You especially don’t when the guy starts hitting on you at defcon “Let’s play Doctor Zhivago!” Chances are, you didn’t respond as you did because you’re some naive bunny, but because you’re a woman.
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Wednesday, January 5,2011

Advice Goddess

Home is where the fart is & Love has come to sty

by Amy Alkon
Q: My wife of eight years is a really good person but always needs reassurance that she’s attractive. I’m finding that difficult because, on a typical night, she takes a dump in our master bathroom with the door open, saunters over to our bed with a few open sores on her face from picking her zits, rips a fart, and comes at me for a kiss. I give her a peck and dive under the covers so she won’t think I’m interested in sex. She then feels rejected and unloved. When I point out specific things that turn me off, she’s offended. She apparently expects me to be supernaturally attracted to her despite her actions (always wearing nasty sweatpants, hair in shambles, etc.). I don’t expect her to dress up, just to try to look a little cute. If only she’d see herself as a beautiful, seductive, confident woman, and act like it — instead of acting like her girlfriends, who brag that they’ve “trained” their husbands to accept their burping, farting, etc. Am I completely ignorant about true love?—Troubled But Committed
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Wednesday, December 29,2010

Advice Goddess

'I’ll have the scrimp cocktail!'

by Amy Alkon
When we were ordering, he suggested we play “a fun game,” which entailed closing our eyes and picking a number (the entrees were numbered). I said okay, then he said I couldn’t pick numbers between 20 and 25 because those entrees were expensive. Completely disenchanted, I opened my eyes and chose something cheap.
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Wednesday, December 22,2010

Advice Goddess

An unfair to remember & Bland of brothers

by Amy Alkon
Q: In middle school, I got a crush on “Sam,” but he wasn’t interested. In high school, he took me to prom, but only as friends when none of the other girls he asked said yes. I was jealous upon hearing he’d gotten married, but several years later, he called, said he was divorcing, was coming to town, and wanted to see me. I gave him a fine homecoming, thinking he was finally seeing me in a new light. At week’s end, I said I wanted to be more than friends, but he didn’t. Apparently, he was just doing the girl he didn’t in high school.
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